So that’s why the movie sucked

Writing exercise:

Write about a character that has one of the following occupations: a. Parrot Trainer b. Clock Radio Salesman c. CEO d. Writer of vampire fiction e. Plumber

I originally thought I would be all cheeky and make the subject matter all dark and noir-ish. But it didn’t really turn out like that. Perhaps the brothers in question are just too cheery and shiny to really twist in such a fashion? This may be a good example of how video games are a unique art unto themselves, not easily translated into other medium. Further proof can be found in nearly every video-game-to-movie adaptation.

Avoiding the names was pretty awkward.

Either way, oof, not sure I want to post this. It’s kind of embarrassing. Oh well. That’s what this blog is for. Wouldn’t be the first time. About 530 words of fail. Maybe I should have gone with parrot trainer.

Brothers

Jane Peach’s hand shook, but she kept her fingers locked around her cigarette. Her wet hair plastered her head, dripping shampoo onto her robe and the expensive new carpet. She didn’t notice. Her gaze flickered between the street beyond the front window and the bathroom door, just barely visible through the master bedroom. She’d sealed the crack at the bottom of the door with towels, but she had no idea how long that would hold.

The whine of squeaky brakes tore Jane’s attention back to the street. A battered green and red van came to a halt at the curb. The logo on the side of the van declared, “Jumpman Plumbing.” Two men, one tall and thin, the other short and round, climbed from the vehicle and hurried up the sidewalk. They both wore overalls, the tall one in green, the short one in red. They wore matching caps emblazoned with stylized Js.

Jane jumped up and ran to the door, flinging it open as the visitors approached. The two men nodded, their mouths grim lines beneath heavy mustaches.

The fat one stepped forward and gently took Jane’s hand. “Are you okay, ma’am?”

“I…yes,” Jane answered. “I’m a little…I called for a pest control service…”

The tall one smirked. The fat one cleared his throat. “Yes, well,” he said. “If it’s pests in plumbing, the Jumpman Brothers deal with it. Union rules.” They exchanged glances.

Jane decided she didn’t really care. She hugged herself, tightening the robe. “Okay, whatever. Come on in.”

The various tools dangling from their belts clanged against the walls and doorways as she led them through the living room and to the bathroom. In other circumstances, Jane would have winced and clenched her fists at every ding and scratch, but she put it all out of mind. She took a long drag on the cigarette and pointed at the bathroom door.

“In there,” she said. “I was in the middle of my shower, and…” she shivered, “they just sort of…showed up…”

The short Jumpman nodded. “What did they look like, Mrs. Peach?”

Jane took another long inhalation of smoke. “You know, I stopped smoking five years ago,” she said. “For the kid.” She gestured to a framed picture of the Peach family on the wall.

“It’s okay,” the tall one said. “We see this sort of thing all the time.”

Jane nodded. “Yeah, sure. They looked like little…like little mushrooms.” The Jumpman brothers looked at each other. They each gently took Jane’s arms and lead her from the bedroom.

“Mushrooms, you say?” the short one said.

“With legs,” she whispered. “And, I think maybe eyes. I didn’t stick around very long to see.”

“Perfectly understandable,” the tall Jumpman said.

“It’s completely fine,” the shorter brother said. “We’ve dealt with these before.” He looked around and waved his brother toward the guest bathroom down the hall. “You just leave that door sealed up,” he said. “We’ll take it from here.”

Jane frowned as the two plumbers, faces resolute, marched toward the front bathroom. “But…but the…they’re in the other bathroom…”

“Don’t worry, princess, we’ll take care of it,” called the brother in green. “Your castle will be good as new in no time!”

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3 thoughts on “So that’s why the movie sucked”

  1. haha, Alex. well, this is what blogs are for. Hope you had a good time with it. Soon as you described them, it was all over and I couldn’t keep a straight face.

    Good comedy I guess. 😉

  2. hehe, by the end of the first paragraph I realized they’re just not set up for seriousness. It goes against their very nature. If I were to rewrite this it would definitely just be played as a straight comedy. 🙂

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